NHL vs. Star Wars

The following is an opinion peice; if you disagree with what I say, don't even bother informing me of your dissent, I will already know...

As a Canadian, I often times find myself disheartened with the state of hockey's place in North American sports. It's non-existent. During the last Winter olympics, there were more viewers watching NBC for Curling than Ice Hockey. Curling?!

In the case of the National Hockey League versus Sean Avery, I will side with Mr. Avery. Don't get me wrong, the man is a cocksucker. No mistake about it. He sucks cocks. But things are pretty grim for a sport when their most controversial performer is an editor at Vogue magazine. Whose to blame?

THE STORY: In a pre-game interview, Dallas Stars forward Sean Avery stated “I’m really happy to be back in Calgary; I love Canada,” he said. “I just want to comment on how it’s become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don’t know what that’s about, but enjoy the game tonight.” He then walked out of the locker room.

Avery was referring to opposing player Dion Phaneuf's girlfriend Elisha Cuthbert.

I've stared at this image and have not been able to decypher the purpose of the combining sunglasses and swimming.

OH SNAP, right? Not so fast.

The end result has been that Sean Avery will endure a six-game suspension and be forced to attend anger-management sessions before being allowed to play in the league. Anger Management? He used the term "sloppy seconds" in reference to an ex-girlfriend.

The ruling has been handed down by the executives and directors of the National Hockey League. That's him, one of the big-wigs, Gary Bettman... you can see the passive aggressiveness in his eyes.

The NHL is in a continuing downward spiral and the only reason that the NHL is getting any coverage this week is thanks to the term "Sloppy seconds". Now I know there's the usual patriotic response of "fuck the States, baseball is boring yadda yadda", but that doesn't change the fact that the NHL is managing their superstars to be polite boring pacifists (off-ice) in one of the most aggressive sports known to man. Have you ever watched a hockey interview?...


Now I'm not asking for pro-wrestling style promos or vignettes, but the need to shut down any thought of outright honest bad blood or opinions?

DION PHANEUF IS SLEEPING WITH SEAN AVERY'S EX-GIRLFRIEND ELISHA CUTHBERT (awesome setup), and Avery called her "sloppy second"(oh fuck, shit is gonna go down tonight). Man, I can't wait to watch this match-up! Oh wait, Avery's not allowed to play because the NHL doesn't allow personality (damn).

The NHL has effectively created a league of clones, and thus, in essence, a Clone War... and we all remember how much clone wars suck... Clones aren't enough! The NHL needs to learn from the mistakes of Mr. George Lucas and allow their Darth Vaders, Boba Fetts, Jabba the Hutts and even their Count Dookus have their idiotic opinions heard by the masses; otherwise, the NHL will continue to die a slow media death with their dignity intact.

Fuck this, I'm watching Curling, at least they yell.