Building the GlenJMpire: Chapter One.
I have no idea what this portion of my blog will become. I hope a mix of both. But most of all, I hope it will entertain, and enlighten the masses as to how the hell Glen Matthews became the entertainer he is today. He will also try to keep talking in the third person to a minimum.
The primary purpose of “Building the GlenJMpire” for me, is to figure out how I got to where I’m at today, by having a look back at every step along the way. In other words, I am very forgetful.
I believe it was Winston Churchill who said “History is written by the victors.”, I don’t know if I’m a victor per say, but I do have a blog. So let’s get started.
The year is 1998. I am 13 years old. The Detroit Red Wings have won their second Stanley Cup in a row, Charlton Heston has just been announced as the President of the NRA, and the mass media has made me fear blowjobs and blue dresses...
It was July, which meant two things, no school, and no hockey, so I spent my time with my dear friends Scott Bailey & Daniel Moore biking around Lunenburg County, watching professional wrestling, sneaking into the Oven’s Campground swimming pool, and pretending to like the taste of beer. It was our final Summer before being forced into the Junior High School system at Centre Consolidated Junior High.
One particularly sunny Friday, I biked over to Scott’s and we played WWF Warzone on his Nintendo 64 until it was time for some grilled-cheese snacks. During the feast, Scott’s Mother asked if he had shown me the camera yet. I stared in awe as Scott hauled out this monster of a VHS Camcorder (something you would get a gun pointed at you for carrying to a border-crossing).
10 minutes later we were in his backyard with his coach pillows laid out and the camera on a tripod filming us “performing” powerbombs, piledrivers, DDT’s, clotheslines, Russian leg sweeps, Stone Cold stunners, Rock Bottoms, & Pedigrees. Who needs video games when you can do it yourself?
That night, we wrote the words “Low Budget Productions” on a piece of cardboard and proceeded to film our first film “The Blonde Bitch Project”, in which a teenaged blonde girl (played by Scott Bailey) is abandoned by her friends whilst camping and she gets raped by a demon… I don’t know why, but there was something irresistibly funny about demon-rape at the age of 13.
Up next, we sat down, and wrote the words “Ultimate Wrestling Championship” on another piece of cardboard and started creating a roster of talent. Due to a lack of friends who shared our passion for pro wrestling, we determined that we would each have to create a few personas each.
My first creation was a wrestler/disco dance freak named Disco Stu, followed by “The Slovakian Sensation” Brocus, and Peter “Don’t Make Me Laugh” Bruin. Scott followed by creating the mysterious Wolfgang Stone, the stereotypical Fisherman Frank, and the offensive Jerry “The Jolting” Jew.
The next morning we had a few friends over and convinced them to join “Lunenburg County’s brand-new backyard wrestling organization”: UWC! Another beautiful day in Feltzen South permitted us to have our very first Pay-Per-View (and no, no one ever paid to view us).
We rolled around in the backyard and took turns wrestling, operating the camera, operating the CD player and being the referee, and [three hours later] when the final bell rang, it ended just like it all started: we all went inside to chow down on a fuck-load of grilled-cheese sandwiches and watch ourselves up on the “big screen”. It was fantastic, hilarious, inspiring and ferociously embarrassing all at once.
It was this moment, whilst snacking that I determined that I was undoubtedly going to be a professional wrestler someday.
I knew this was something that I wanted to keep going, and to keep it going,, I was going to need friends. All of a sudden, I was a lot more willing to join Centre Consolidated Junior High…